Genetic health: Tougher conversation than the birds and the bees
Genetic health: Tougher conversation than the birds and the bees
Why children need to know who their fathers are — absent fathers included
It happens every single Father’s Day. Men get bashed. I look on the main Twitter timeline, and there are a flood of comments about deadbeat fathers and why Mother’s Day equates to Father’s Day. It’s a little jarring to me because I grew up with my biological father, my older brother, three godfathers and a bunch of male cousins, who then became fathers. While I had plenty of friends and several relatives who could also relate to the tweeting frustration, I always wondered why they’d give these men any energy. Pay them dust right back!
But what happens when you don’t know who your father is — and it’s not as clear about why you don’t know. In a recent conversation with my mother, she made me reevaluate my opinion — for a bigger reason than just “knowing” who this guy is.
Shamontiel L. Vaughn: Like the marriage and money post, this one is out of my element. But I’m glad you suggested we discuss this because I’d never thought about the “absent father” in this way. For women who want the child more than they want to be with the father, why do you feel like it’s a disservice to not know who the dad is — specifically if the mom doesn’t want the child to know?
Gwendolyn Y. Vaughn: Good question! I’m assuming the father may want to know who his child is too. Maybe not. Mama [your grandmother] had to have a reason why she didn’t tell me. She just told me, “You don’t need to know.”
But [children] want to know who they look like — your father, your mother, your siblings. Even if the mother tells the child, “I wanted a child and I didn’t want the father to be in your life,” the child should have the opportunity to know who he is. If you don’t like him and you two don’t get along, that’s one thing. But I still think you should know who he is. There’s a bigger reason for this: health.
Say you have a heart condition, and it’s genetic. You need to know that your grandchildren are not going to have any disabilities. What if you have a blood type that’s very thin or abnormal. What are you going to do if you need a transfusion? What if you need a kidney transplant? You should know this information about your genetic health. Maybe if I had broken down the health risks, she would’ve changed her mind.
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SLV: All valid points. I was a “why” kid too so I would’ve asked on your behalf if it was brought to my attention. You were just so close with Grandad and called him “Dad,” so it never felt to me like you didn’t have a father around — even though Grandad was really your father-in-law.
But back on the topic of health care. I don’t necessarily want to pick on black people, but this is interesting to me. A lot of us are so spiritual and religious and have zero problems talking about Jesus and funerals and transitions. We don’t think twice about going to wakes. But then we freeze up about the topic of living wills or estate planning or health topics.
I’m no exception to the rule because Grandad was constantly trying to make me an executor, talk to me about why he wanted to leave me his house — he was really trying to plan for death. I was so offended by it. I thought he was talking about death all the time when I was more interested in him being alive.
I couldn’t equate his discussions about health and planning for him passing away without thinking he was being morbid. Do you think that’s why some black folks, or anybody really, may dodge the topic?
GYV: Some just may not understand it. And when they don’t understand it, they prefer to not talk about it at all. If the child has a genetic condition and they don’t know much about their own health, they may not want to answer at all. I heard about diabetes, but Mama didn’t tell me that much about it. She didn’t tell me what brought it on. I think I asked the doctor more questions than she did.
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SLV: She also could’ve just had a bad doctor. I remember going to a doctor once when I was still attending Northern Michigan University. My legs kept falling asleep all the time, and I wanted to know why this was happening. I visited a white, male doctor. His response was, “That just happens to black people. There’s nothing you can really do.” That was the first and last time I ever used him as my PCP. I just left it alone until one day my legs stopped being numb all the time. No clue why. But I never even told you that happened at all. Until now.