Your handshake is telling on you
From spiritual banging to sexism, first introductions leave a lasting impression
Shaking hands is something I have done so often that I don't even think about it during first introduction. But there have been a couple of times where shaking hands has let me know more about a person than I expected to know.
First, there was an older black gentleman who I met at a college function. I cannot remember why he was there, but I was receiving some kind of award. When I was introduced to him and a friend (also black) of his, one man heartily shook my hand. The other paused, looked at my hand and appeased me.
“Men are not supposed to shake women's hands,” he told me afterward. “And you shouldn't do that.”
I stared at him, somewhere between confused and annoyed at the sexism. If I recall correctly, I found the nearest bathroom to wash my hand afterward. He had managed to make a perfectly normal introduction awkward, and I avoided speaking to him throughout the entirety of that event.
Then, there was the temp job where I was introduced to the whole staff. But there was one blue-eyed, blonde lady who looked at my hand like it had vomit on it. Instead of actually shaking my hand, she brushed it with her fingertips.
It took everything in me not to say, “Don't worry. The black does not rub off. You're safe.”
I was not even slightly surprised by her immediate friendliness to a white male coworker hired after me, who she immediately chatted with. On a day when I was struggling to get from the train to my work site in cold weather so fierce that it bordered on being a blizzard, she drove by me, picked him up (who got off the same train) and zoomed to work.
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About 80% of the employees (99% white, 1% Asian) at that temp job refused to learn to pronounce my name but had the audacity to get upset when I opted out of group lunches. The other 20% smiled at me daily, said my name like they named me, made a big deal of my last day and one even baked me vegan cookies from scratch. Those were also the 20% who not only wanted to shake my hand but a couple hugged me goodbye.
I wish these shaking hand incidents didn’t bother me so much then and I didn’t remember them now, but it’s one of those things that struck me so strange that it’s (probably forever) in my memory bank.
Shaking hands tells your story before you can
As a kid, I never knew handshaking was such an immediate way to tell the background of a person. I was taught to do it early on and just did it out of habit. I remember meeting a co-worker's daughter at a news job. Without thinking about it, I stuck my hand out, said my name and followed up with, “Nice to meet you.”
That pretty preteen girl stood up, warmly shook my hand, told me her name and said, “It's a pleasure.”
My eyes lit up at her manners. Although my co-worker made fun of me later for shaking his daughter's hand like she was an adult, I skipped to complimenting how well she must be raised to respond like that. Team Good Fathering!
When I joined Toastmasters, I was shaking so many hands onstage while introducing people to the point I was mentally categorizing everybody I encountered. I cannot recall being wrong about any guess I made.
And it’s not just me who takes this personal!
It was refreshing and interesting to hear someone else take handshakes as personal as I do. He even went as far as referring to one encounter he had as “spiritual banging.”
Rizza Islam was a guest on the “Not All Hood (NAH)” podcast and talked about a man who refused to shake his hand before a question about Israelites was answered. I rolled my eyes immediately at such an encounter. While I get wanting to have the discussion, mandatory questioning beforehand is overkill.
When is it OK to reject a handshake?
A small part of me understands not wanting to be in physical contact with someone you are not in alignment with, but that first introduction cannot be redone. Outside of legitimate cultural differences when it comes to hands and language, I have a tough time excusing the antics around handshaking. A worldwide pandemic where we could be at risk of death was the only time I shrieked away at anyone wanting to touch my hand. Even then, and still as a Toastmaster early on, we gave head nods, smiles and kept antibacterial ointment nearby.
So why is a handshake such a deal breaker for me? And how did it affect one decision with a tenant?